i miss this person

hahaha

and she'll most definately want this pic off the blog

i betcha she'll cry murder

HOHUM

I feel as though i'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.
Nothing seems to be able to lift this low mood.

(Lights up cig)

I'm cranky.
Irritable beyond words.
Sad.
Hit by waves of hopelessness.

(Puffs away)

I'm beginning to complain non-stop about my work.
I seem to hate everyone around me.

(Lights up cig)

I hate attachment.
Too many crazy biatches.
Too many drama queens.
Too many mean assholes.
Even though incidents have lessened and the people have gotten nicer,
my interest has waned.

(puffs away)

and i'm afraid it may be beyond repair.

Someone erase my jadedness and bring back my passion.

REFLECTIONS of (no) passion

Ever felt like you questions your motives?
Ever felt lost in a jungle of pubic hair?
Ever felt so low you just feel sick to your stomach?
Ever felt like so though you're blind even with your eyes wide open?

That time is now.

It is seriously tough being a nurse. More so if that one nurse is constantly being degraded by fellow nurses. Or when that nurse feels like she's being stuck in a rut.

Dig a shallow grave and poor some shit in.

And being a nurse only by default makes it even harder to stay in this profession. I do love the bonds i've fostered with people with all walks of life. But to think that i'm shackled to a particular institution, or for the very fact, that it's not the general public, not the doctors, not the patients but our fellow nurses that despises us, makes me feel like throwing up.

True, i've witnessed and highlighted many encounters with nurses in my blog, ranging from pure stupidity to pure joy. But nothing shatters the confidence and pride in nursing more then witnessing the outpour of extreme PMS from one nurse to another.

To err is human, to forgive is divine.

Some one uttered that i'm one to prioritize my work environment above all else. And on certain aspects, that is true.

Allow me to explain.

Workplace politics really suck. I'm not very bothered by other peoples' background and private life. Thus, i don't see much of a need to ask my friends very much about what their parents do for a living, whether they're rich or poor and all the other shit. At most, i ask them what their siblings names are, and where they stay.

I view people as they are. No past, no future, everything in present tense.

And if i like you, i like you. And if i don't, i basically leave you alone.

Especially in the work setting, no matter how i may not like a person, i believe the office (or workplace) has a code of decorum that everyone understands.

No screaming.
No foul language intended to belittle.
Basically respect.
With the main goal of getting the work done.

I don't need the pretense of acting all chummy bunny.
I don't hanker after the praise and glory.

But i do need a little recognition of doing something good when it's due.

I don't feel like continuing.

I'm sick of being surrounded by PMS-sy nurses who act as though they're 100k per annum expatriates anymore.

I don't feel like being a nurse anymore.

THE STORY OF THE BEDSHEETS

Well, it all happened on the last day of my Geron posting.

It was 5 in the evening, and everyone was going about their usual routine. Suddenly, a lady was rushed into the ward on a wheelchair. She appeared to be unconscious, her head, lunging back from the velocity of the charging wheelchair. Her hapless college ran alongside, trying to keep up.

The ward staff ushered her into an empty examination room, where they placed her on the bed and started to try to revive her. People buzzed about the room, taking parameters, hypocount and an ECG.

The ward doctor (a foreigner) was called to the scene to insert a cannula - a precious lifeline in case IV drugs were needed. This doctor, well, you might say that she isn't exactly capable of handling high stress situations. She kept screaming for someone to anchor the lady's hand while she tried to insert the cannula.

Dr : Nurse! Nurse! Someone hold her hand!
Me : Dr, I'll do it.
Dr : Nurse! Nurse! Hold her hand! Hold her hand!
Me : (Deadpan face) Dr, I am holding her hand.
Dr : (Flustered) Oh... Ok... I insert now ah.... Hold her hand!

The lady then started to regain consciousness. It was amazing how still her arm remained (even though I didn't use any force to stabilize her arm) as she violently shook her head, screaming in pain.

Cannula one didn't work. Luckily the second was a success.

She cried out that she was a Hep B carrier and has Thalassemia B (or minor, a potentially fatal blood disorder). It became apparent that this was not her first, nor occasional admission into a healthcare institute.

I had to repeat everything she said. It was like the rest of the people in the room were deaf. They kept saying, "Huh? What did she say?"

Maybe she was speaking in tongue.

After stabilizing her, the decision was made to transfer her to an institute better equipped to render care. You see, the place I was posted to, isn't that happening a place to work in. They seldom encounter emergencies like these, preferring to jump around like ants on a frying pan and ship the elderly off to the nearest hospital at the slightest lowered glycemic level or elevated blood pressure.

I'm digressing. It's back to the story.

Ok, the decision to call an ambulance was made. And one would guess that any sane person would actually call the Civil Defence right? Well, the irony is : The ward sister blasted the SN that wanted to make that call with an eeeeeeeeeeeeeeevil, "Who gave you the authority to call the CD?" and promptly contacted a private ambulance service.

What the hell. Remember, this lady was brought in unconscious. And was screaming in pain whenever conscious.

The worst is yet to come.

I was 'assigned' to stay with the lady and her college in the room. My purpose, I presume, was to call for help if her condition took a turn for the worst. Although, the real truth in it all, was to free their staff, to continue with their usual routine. Imagine that. The sister didn't even have the decency to leave a trained, or at least their OWN staff to look after the lady.

I am but a student.

Can you seriously expect me to shoulder the responsibility for you? Or that of the reputation of your institute?

Well, things really went downhill from there.

The private ambulance took at least 25 min to get there. And the stupid, moron of a nursing manager could only smile and kept insisting that the ambulance was just around the corner, held up by evening traffic; much to the annoyance of the concerned college.

And when the ambulance finally arrived, the moron still could ask the college to chide the ambulance staff for taking such a long time (btw, she insisted that it only took them 15 min).

"You scold them lah. Aiyoh, take (stresses) 15 min you know.. haha"

You'd think that stupidity would stop there. No, it doesn't. It gets worst. Really.

While transferring the lady onto the stretcher, the sister hollered how her broken finger, which was immobilized by a pressure bandage, would not be able to take the strain of lifting the lady to the stretcher. She was compelled to repeat this statement for at least 5 more times.

I thought I was on the tip of the Andes mounts, with her voice echoing in the background, like it never meant (nor could ever) stop. Someone whould have slapped her shut. The ambulance sriver had to push her away to continue with the transfer.

After the lady was safely on the stretcher, the staff hurriedly whisked the lady into the aisle. And I was left to help clean up the room.

To my horror, the sister's next words began to make me sick. And the words would soon be seared into memory, for eternity.

"Aiyah, my bedsheets! This is my bedsheet!You can't leave with my bedsheeet!" pointing to the bedsheet under the lady on the stretcher.

"You take lah," replied the ambulance driver and proceeded to yank the bedsheet from under the lady.

"You cannot take it out like that here you know! People can see leh! Must go back into the room to take out!" she cried.

At this point, the lady's college screamed at them saying, "This is an emergency! Let's go OK!"

The ambulance driver said he'd bring the sheets back (one day), as the sister badgered him for his name and whatnots.

"Must remember to return ah! I know your name ok... haha" she said, while scouring for a name tag to read.

Although the sister was laughing a lot, i failed to see the humour in it all.

And when the driver slipped back into the room to retrieve his pillow, the sister went up to check if it was really theirs or the property of the institute.

Good grief.

Needless to say, by now, the college had transformed into some sort of panic stricken monster, yelling her head off, trying to hurry the whole process.

*************************************

The moral of the story is simple : (Chicken & Cheryl's Theory)

Never assume ALL hospitals are equipped for accident and emergencies, even though they carry the name of being a hospital.

If an accident happened to you (eg. Being run over by a car), it is better to ask the car to reverse, and then run you over AGAIN to increase the likelihood of immediate death. It is useless to admit yourself into a hospital that is ill equipped to handle situations like this.

--* The final chapter (Part One) *--

I'm running the last leg of the race now. Pretty soon, the curtain will draw to a close, and once again, I'll be off to embark on a new road. A road that will hopefully open more opportunities, revive old friendships and stir new experiences.

Though it's always painful to end some routines, I take heart in the very fact that memories can live on forever. And relationships, those that can withstand the test of time and distance, will take firm root in my life.

The years have brought not only academic qualifications, they have brought friendship in the least expected of places.

And no matter how hard I've tried to ease this transition, there appears to be a certain amount of undeniable heartache. And the fear of leaping into a whole new dimension in life.

Some friends have started a countdown to the final hour.

I have decided to express my feelings for all those near and dear to me. For there may come a time where dementia may rob me of all awareness. And the written word come so much so easier for me....

I'd like to say my thanks to the following people in particular:

1. Fara
My littlest friend, someone so dear and close to my heart.

Even though we've butt heads on many occasions, your truthful anecdotes have brought much insight. Your fearlessness to put me in place highlights not only your confidence in our friendship, but also the care you have for me.

You bring new meaning to the word fart. And sneezes.

At the same time, your inner child never fails to partake in the silly games my mind conjures. Leaving the walls and corridors to echo our shrieks and giggles.


2. Moonie
My book-burning, information-churning friend.

For as long as I can remember, you've never once gotten angry at being the butt of all my jokes. Instead, your giving nature has shown me what it means to take things in stride. Also, the courage you have shown to ride out adversities, has helped me to improve on being a better person.

Your ability to explain things calmly in a systematic manner illustrates your gift in teaching. Without you, where would I be?


3. Shidah
Though small in stature, Shid possesses the heart of a motherly lion.

One of the most forgiving persons I know. Her quiet nature has since evolved into one of confidence and her giving personality has swayed even the hardiest of hearts.

Her shopping queen instincts - Mango will not be the same without you.


4. Junaidah
Your happy giggles at anything I say, always send a smile to stretch across my face. If I get wrinkles, it must be your doing. Haha..

You have taught me the virtues of diligence and saving. And I would never have passed if not for you printing out all those e-lectures for me. Thank you.


5. Chicken Chia Suli
Attachments will never be the same without you.

Through the ice queen exterior, you have shown me what hard work and selflessness really is. Always putting the needs of the patient and your colleges before yourself. The mark of a truly wonderful nurse.

And I'll cherish all our break-time bitching and after-attachment walks to the MRT. Often ending in me reiterating the dangers of wearing your uniform out of the hospital. Heeheehee.


6. Lionel
Armed with the exterior of a hardened criminal, lies the softness of cotton. Our very own marshmallow man.

Your sometimes extreme jokes never fail to illicit laughter. And frankly, it's good that you're clear of the direction you have to life, goals and where you want yourself to be. Though at times, you try to hide the fact, I know that you have been very protective towards many in the class.

No matter how old I am, its good to know you'll always look 15-1yrs older then me =)


7. Zul
Last but not least. Our future Diplomat. The glue of the class. Under your direction, you've helped to foster bonds between the different cliques in the class.

I'm glad we managed to put our differences behind.

You have instilled in me the importance of good leadership. And the possibility of rearing a toyol in your bag. A story that I may well pass down to my children, grandchildren and great children.

This man solidifies the notion that situations can be handled with tact and grace, even though he has a knack of blowing up on me.


I'd also like to thank many others.. like Candy, who's my very own walking discount card, Evelyn, my mini pharmacist, Hoong Eng and Asyik, who have shared their knowledge selflessly, and the many others who make up the wonderful class of NR0416.

**********************

For all the times of anguish, stress and joy

For all the times of pain, sorrow and happiness

For all the faces that have been deeply etched into memory

For all the lessons I've learnt in and out of the classroom

Here stands a person renewed. Revived. Revitalized

Long live the people of NR0416

Expressive Aphasia

Some things are better plain and simple. Like language, complexity tends to distort the real meaning that one may be actually trying to put across.

Though it's not wrong for individuals to choose to pepper their conversation with pompous words (some out of habit, whereas others are related to their education level), the importance lies in whether the real meaning is getting through to the other party.

However, i prefer language in its simplest form.

To me, i view language as a basic form of communication, even though i have a recurrent, diseased state of incurable verbal diarrhea. Sometimes, i get carried away and allow my tongue to overide the analytical processes of my brain, ending in hurtful spats with people that mean a lot to me.

You see, like the cliche, words can hurt far worst then the deadliest wounds. Likewise, words have the power to move even the most hardened of individuals.

Language doesn't end nor start at conversation. It invloves the written, verbal word and weaves in body language.

That's why i like to read. Especially stories of fun, imaginery lands, thought provoking subjects and lives that seem to defy all odds. Emotions punctuate literally through the pages. Every turn of the page releases grief, joy, anger... such passion for life.

More often then not, people choose to repress their emotions. Preferring to drop hints instead. For one, i can't (or don't really bother to) read hints. A sideway glance, a passing remark, all seem like normal, everyday activities to me. My blunt nature makes me a poor translater, for the simple fact that i believe, one should possess the courage to say what they mean out loud, else choose to live with the option of burying what they mean, forever. Then again, Fara has reiterated the fact that some outpouring of emotion brings far more intense consequences then others.

Most people read my emotions loud and clear on my face. When i'm happy, i wear a grin stretched over my face. When i'm pissed, you can practically smell the pee. My mouth looks like i'm sucking on a ton of sour plums. When i'm sad, nothing holds back my tears. You get the idea.

And yet, as clear as my emotions go, most people will still never know me on a deeper level. Simply because some doors are better closed.

The choice of bringing some things to the grave.

Another Chapter Ends

My 2 day LSCN crash course is finally over.

And by a stroke of weird luck (and many blessings from God), i managed to scrape a pass.

It was test after test, practical after practical and drama after drama. My teammates consisted of Asyik, Hoong Eng and another lady from grp 4 - which shall remain annonymous.

That woman really sucked the life out of me. She's over-bearing, a sick, act cutesy wutsey, actress in front of the teachers and likes to act chummy bunny with me. Putting her hand over my shoulder and squeezing my arm. Yucks. And acting like th usual me, i would ever so often, have the need to violently jerk my shoulder and shrug her wandering hands away.

I basically don't like you, man.

I complained relentlessly to Asyik and Hoong Eng.
They're nice people.
They're unlike me.
Hohoho.

I felt that the woman dragged the whole team down. She's slow and unsure of her work. Especially when we're the ones being tested - she made the leader looked bad. Pity i wasn't able to choose who my partners were. I would most definately have hand-picked Asyik and Hoong Eng. Heehee...

Though during the practical, i was able to have at least one of them around. You see, in megacode, you get a scenario where the teachers tell you a little history of the patient and how a patient collapses. You (or rather, me) then assumes the role of the leader and directs how the resuscitation would be initiated.From the decision to shock or not, to the administration of medication and keeps a lookout at what the other staff (we are given 2 other helpers) are doing.

Normally, in the assessment, the other helpers are not supposed to verbalize anything and expected to do their roles well. That woman gets neither right. She's ....... lets just say she irritates me. Big time.

It was also quite confusing because some teachers insisted on us performing their way (which translates to THE ONLY WAY), while others were more flexible and allowed you to rationalize your actions.. as long as you did it the correct way, safely. Asyik concludes there isn't any form of standardization in my school. Haha. How right he is....

It was funny how i freaked them out when i dropped the paddles to the defibrillator. And how i shrieked 'it's a miracle!' when the cardiac rhythm reverted to sinus rhythm from ventricular fibrillation after applying a DC shock.

I failed my megacode the first time. Hoho. And somehow, i managed to weasel my way to a passing grade the 2nd time round. I had 'super strong man' Asyik, and someone nice the 2nd time. Heehee. My team worked well.

And so, i actually owe my grades to them =)

Sadly, not everyone got certified. But it was a really valuable learning ground for all of us. Even though my team got blasted most of the way, it strengthened not only our knowledge, but the very fact that the basis of nursing revolves around teamwork.

Tomorrow, it's back to the wards in repayment for 2 absent days. Alone.

ATTACHMENT!!

Whoever said my current posting would be super relaxing is invited to eat my shorts. Zul, you have the priviledge of being the first.

Piang eh.

I do nothing but take all the aunties and uncles to the toilet and back again for almost every minute. And if i'm not doing that, i seem to be changing every diaper in that wing.

Sit down? What sit down??? Relax? What relax man???!

Serve medicine? Once.
Read case notes? Twice, although briefly. Say 5-10 seconds?
Then it's off to send the aunties to the loo again.

But that doesn't mean my efforts are in vain. I do enjoy the time spent with the patients. Even the difficult ones.

Plus - today, we got to participate in a KTV session with the ward upstairs. Andy volunteered to sing. And once he started, he never relinquished the power brought about by the microphone.

Like the ring to gollum....

I deduced that he had masses of practice hopping from one ge tai after another during the 7th month hungry ghosts' festival. Either that or he doubles as a KTV hostess(?) EOD. That boy just sang and sang and sang.

Like an energizer bunny singing retro chinese songs.

We would have needed to pry the mic away from his cold dead fingers if they didn't off the tele.

And you should have witnessed his 'turtle dance'. Hohoho. Trust me, i would never be caught dead in a disco with a gyrating Andy. To the extent of even refuting claims that he is my classmate. I should have recorded the his whole concert. It would have brought me millions.

Wahaha... But then again, he was a blardy good sport. And it entertained the elderly and us. Heeheehee.... So cheers to you brother!

Being posted here also gives us the oppprtunity to eat out. Today, chicken, far and i got to have our break together. Even though we nearly had to tear the skin of a certain gender-altering person. But enough of ________.

Chicken and i had bak chor mee - blardy nice! And Fara had her staple 7-11 stuff. I told her that 7-11 should issue her a priviledge card from all the business she gives them. Heehee

I smell like shit at the end of the shift, though i still insist in taking public transport home. Hohoho. I need to save money. And i have no more to spend. And you have to remember, shit fertilizers a great harvest!

I'll be in school tomorrow for the LSCN course. Don't ask me what in the world it stands for. I seriously don't know myself. Don't get me started on why i look so blardy out of place with the people there. Don't ask my why i have to replace the days i am in school for the stupid course on saturdays.

All i know is that, i'm working far, far less (part time) now, but my days seem so much more packed.

It's like i don't even have any breathing space.

gasp.

Gasp.

GASP.

I hibernated for exam info-loading, finished tons of presentation after presentation and meeting after meeting of debate practice. And then attachemnt comes, and stupid case studies. Couple with more debate practice.

Debate. Shit. Debate.

Still have the interschool competition coming up in dec. I'll worry about that after my LSCN and case study/assignment k?

I'd like to order a doppleganger. Now make that 2 please.

FINGER POINTING

The news have been proclaiming the triumphant sentencing of Saddam.

Death by hanging.

Yes, the ruler of a country, whose human rights have been curtailed
even though it brought the nation and it's surroundings relative peace.
The price of peace with an iron fist?

And yes, the ruler of the country, whose borders were invaded, civilians murdered, children left orphans and starving, on the pretext of an impending nuclear holocaust.
Are nuclear weapons be invisible?

And yes, the same man, is the father whose son died trying to protect him.
While the other perpetrators stand aside and mollycoddle the real demon(s) involved.
Who is the real terror after all?

Therefore, the moral of the story is clear :
Never piss someone (or a collective group of people) that has/have/will have greater power then you.

My 2 cents worth -
I'm not on anyone's side. I just feel that this whole situation has been handled very badly. And while his mighty bushiness continues to play golf or frolick with his dogs in the mono-coloured house, there are people he has shipped off to war that WANT to return home.

As much as the people in iraq want to rebuild their lives without the annoying double-faced drama kings and queens, who are simply eyeing the profits brought about by the sale of oil.

It's freaking time to call it an end. Stop all the blame shifting, finger pointing and look into the real issues.

A country needs direction.
A people that require strength.
Leaders (more the one) that need to be brought to justice.
And a World that needs more gonads to withstand pressure.

Let this madness stop.

My prayers are with every single one of you that keeps the hope alive.

Let your conscience sing the praise for freedom

Let your heart feel the suffering

Let your eyes envision a better tomorrow

And let your hands defy the odds

LIVE ONCE. LIVE WELL. LIVE STRONG.