Don't we all?
I too, am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.
And i seek solace in the fact that there IS a God. And that God loves me. Seriously loves me. During the darkest days of my life, when all i could hear was death beckoning me. I contemplated suicide with every waking moment.
Every breath drew blood.
I was unable to envision any road other then death. And i hoped that death would stop all emotions. I pleaded for the pain to stop. Help me to ache a little less. It didn't. I hated the world. I cried. But no one heard. I vented. But all they saw was rebellion. I withdrew. But all they saw was pride. When i talked, all they heard was silence. When i called out, no one answered.
Or so i thought.
And all i was left with, were the taunted whispers. Nagging little voices that egged me to cross that line. Just die, they mocked. And i almost did.
Patrick saved my life.
Sharon Lee gave me strength to continue life.
And i gave myself up to God.
And in an instant, i saw the world from a different perspective. A dimension that was there all along. I just didn't turn the other way. I saw myself arched over the rim of the toilet bowl. My abdomen convulsing. Mouth agape, allowing a passage for the greenish secretions to escape. I pushed my fingers into the back of my throat until i could vomit no more. I could not allow myself to disappear just like that.
I wanted to live. Badly.
There was too much in life to give up. To many what-ifs and could-have-beens. Too many questions unanswered. And too many people i loved to leave behind.
I spent the next few hours in drunken stupor, slipping in and out of consciousness. And when i regained some awareness, i worried about the after-effects of my folly. The questions faded as the voices from loved ones grew stronger. I could finally see their faces. Their faces contorted, testifying the shock and horror of it all.
What the hell happened?
How did things go so terribly wrong?
I could have let myself succeed with the suicide. I didn't tell anyone. I had it all planned out. I had a cocktail of pills and booze. I fed myself the rainbow colours and textures with robotic momentum. This will help, i rationalized.
It was the easiest method to end it all.
But what would that change? Nothing. It would have made things even worse. It was a selfish act that stifled out all the people that meant something to me. And would have erased all possibilities of change.
A paradigm shift ensued. I finally had the courage to lift up my head and open my eyes. I saw people that loved me all around. Their arms out-stretched, their lips curled into a smile. I heard their voices calling out.
They were there all along.
I was the one who didn't realize it.
Zul puts it simply :
"And sometimes things happen to me at the time that may seem horrible, painful and unfair, but in reflection I realized that without overcoming those obstacles I would have never realized my potential, strength, will power or heart."
"Without these small tests, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. Safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless."
(available online: http://pui5t3r-zlack3r-z30.blogspot.com/ 2006)
This particular entry was difficult to write and even more difficult to come to a decision to publish. It exposes a side that i would rather remain dormant. And in a perverse way, it refreshes wounds that i thought had healed and become scars.
I still carry the burdens i did before, but this time, i hold no fear, for i am no longer alone.
Thousands of people brave far worse conditions every single day of their lives. I have no reason to end mine. Instead, there is an obligation for a person as fortunate as me, blessed with health and opportunities, to return to society.
And with this, i hope is a start.
I'm thankful that this episode helped awaken a need in me to seek out my religion and in turn, allowed me to find myself.
"I am all i am because of you."
******************************
Come live in me
Take over
Come breathe in me
Take over
And i will rise on eagle's wings
I will rise on eagle's wings
- Eagle's Wings -
