I’ve survived more then a year in my current posting of a shit-hole disguised as a ward. Can you believe it’s been a whole year? Now, it’s only another three (blardy long and painful) years before I can march into the DN’s office and throw my resignation letter on her desk.
That is, if I ever wanted to.
I would be able to yield THAT power in MY hands.
-insert deep throat evil laughter-
Alas, that is still a distant dream and for now, I can only bow my head in unbridled slavery before such a day blooms with the power of emancipation.
Reality sucks doesn’t it?
I’m not here to complain about the banalities of the job. I think the web is already oversaturated with that. Rather, I’m here trying to convince myself there has to be more to life then this. To be fair, this ward has been a Petri dish of opportunities that has allowed me to garner some accolades alongside its fair share of knowledge. Through the daily battles in the ward, I’ve experienced peaks that raise the bar through unparalleled camaraderie; yet concurrently made to endure dips that threaten to shove me out of nursing for good.
There are days when I feel so sick of it all; I give off sparks at the slightest provocation. Crash. Boom. Bang. Other times, I find myself voluntarily swallowing shit by the bucket loads.
And a quietly simmering ache that questions the need to face each day like this overflows.
Pragmatic me reasons that I need the job.
Altruistic me preaches on the opportunity to serve others.
Needy me revels in the sense of satisfaction that pours forth with reciprocated gratitude.
And yet the inner sadist just wants to slap all the fuckers till their cheeks explode. And maybe grab a spoon to dig out all the eyeballs of the bastards that roll their eyes so often.
I think I’ve come to the realization that although the world can think you work with passion and all that bullshit, you may one day wake to find that the work no longer unlocks joy.
Like a misplaced piece in an otherwise completed jigsaw puzzle.
And maybe, just maybe, I’ll have the courage to walk away from it all.
