Living Is Believing

There are certain times in our lives where we seem to think we’re standing at crossroads.

Intersections of paths leading to different destinations, but frankly, I think all roads lead you to ultimately where God wants you to be.

To me, God is more then a friend or a father. More then a superhero, whom can crush you with a mere thought or spit fire and char you like a piece of chicken on a BBQ.

You see, the thing with God is that, He (gender here being subjective so I’ll just use He, although I am open to change) allows you choices. And this is where humanity can cloud our senses or issue us a shot to shine.

We all have this tendency to think that we’re the worst off case. That our lives suck beyond compare. That the world is unfair. And maybe, maybe even contemplated that suicide would be a better option. We think that we’re shortchanged and drama in our lives should just come to its glorious end.

However, we forget one nitty, gritty detail. We’re juxtaposing our lives to that of the people we see, either on tv, or the families of friends we THINK we know.

Let me tell you one truth : Everybody hurts.

In some way or another, even the most jovial personality you know, nurses some hidden sorrow.

You know your smart friend? He or she may have zero self esteem. To her, studying is a form of escapism. An indicator of something, or the only thing that she feels she can be good at.

Or how about that good looking guy in your class? Well, he may be in turmoil with regards to his sexuality. Torn apart by this silent conflict that repeats itself every single morning.

And how about little miss perfect? The one that seems to have it all? Looks, brains, money etc. Her family may be on the verge of collapse and she is suicidal.

Everyone goes through shit. The hurt. The pain. But it is a personal choice to either rise to the occasion or to wallow in self pity and give in to the crap that keeps on churning.

It may be hard to recognize at first, but everyone must understand a few truths.

1. There is always someone worse off

2. There is always a way out

And no matter how alone we think we are, we are never actually alone. And the choices we make affect someone else.

The difference is in the choices we allow ourselves to make. If you have grief, permit yourself to go through the process, then snap back in shape.

Life goes on.

Through nursing, I’ve been blessed with an opportunity to peer into the lives of the people under my care. Sometimes, it’s hard to understand how they find the resolve to continue the battle, and other times, it’s even harder to come to terms with why they give up, when there is so much life can still offer.

Some people throw their lives away, while others die trying.

I lost another friend recently. Her sister sms-ed all the people in her phone book, announcing the loss. I remember I spoke up for her once. I chided an aunty sharing the same room with her for being bitchy (of course, I used nicer language). And that we spent several nights talking at length, about things that mattered and others that did not. We continued the sms-es until time eroded the closeness we once shared and she stared to fade into the dark recesses of memory.

I have no doubt she fought her battles well.

And when you start to recognize the war that is apparent in each and every one of us, you start to realize that your own problems diminish in stature.

Some people need to fight for their right to stay alive :

70% of the casualties in recent conflicts have been non-combatants - most of them women and children

2 million people are trafficked every year – the majority women and girls

According to UNICEF, 30,000 children die each day due to poverty.

And they “die quietly in some of the poorest villages on earth, far removed from the scrutiny and the conscience of the world. Being meek and weak in life makes these dying multitudes even more invisible in death.”

We're standing at the crossroads in our lives.

Are you choosing to live a life that is worth living?

HAPPIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I cried my eyes out the other day, thinking that I just fell short of attaining a merit. Without sleep, and soaked with chemicals (mind you, they were medication, not booze. I was, and still am sick), I went to a nerve wrecking interview with the head honchos of my hospital.

Well, I got invited to apply for the Alice Lee something something scholarship. 7 students from my hospital were invited, but in the end, I only saw 3 (including me) there, and another 2 from KK.

The interview was for a shot at a scholarship to continue my academia in some university in Australia. I heard it would be Sydney U, by far, one of the most prestigious Us there, and worth mucho mucho moolah (but with strings attached, of course). I’ve been told the school grounds look like a Harry Potter set.

But I blew it. Wahahaa… You should have seen how I shook. I could not register their questions and just gave super vague generalities. If that means beating about the bush, then my bush was flattened. Heehehehee.

The Director of Nursing asked me 3 questions and you should have been there to see how i made her eyes pop in disbelief when i answered. Wahahahah. Each other Prof or Asst Prof took turns to ask me 1 question each. One poor Asst Prof had to calm me down, go slow and pour me a drink. I think I freaked him out and he was more afraid of me doing a vasovagal on him. Wahahhaha. Being in a small, enclosed room with 6 pair of beady eyes on you is no joke.

It’s something like a lizard on a wall being stared down by a bunch of exterminators.

And the sickest part of this whole shebang was that I left there feeling overjoyed. No pressure. No expectation. To this day, I still have no idea of why I felt like that anyway.

I went back, farting happily away in the MRT (lame smile).

And so my days progressed.

You know what, today, I got extremely good news!

I’m on the list of DWM holders! Whoopiee…!!! And I’m all smiles.

I see many other friends on the list too... Asyik, Emi, Hoong Eng, Jolene, Sharon, Alex, Moonie...

Congrats to us all!

So I’m not sore about not getting into the aussie U, and I was never sore to begin with! I can apply for NUS direct! Wahahaha… I’m bugging Amanda to go with me. Then we can be classmates! And we’ll probably burn half of NUS or at least the med faculty down with our smokies. It'll be like the 7th lunar month, just all year round! Wahahaha.

And to top it off, I had a great day at work today with my friend Ratny. We had so much fun together, alongside all the happy ah peks and ah mas. Heehehehe.. I also made new friends with the students there, those hardworking fellas from malaysia =)

Spoken in true Martha Stewart style, "it's a good thing"

It’s supposed to be Ross’s birthday, but it seems like mine =) maybe even like Christmas.

Mind you, Ross is very happy with the presents I got him. I got him new glasses and shades for a steal at –I can’t tell you-.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROSS! LOoooooooOOOoooOOOVE YA

cherlosophy's current playlist

My fave MCR (My Chemical Romance) songs :
in random order...

1. Disenchanted
2. Helena
3. Ghost Of You
4. I Don't Love You
5. I'm Not Okay
6. Sleep
7. Teenagers
8. House Of Wolves
9. Famous Last Words
10. Welcome To The Black Parade
11. This Is How I Disappear
12. Thank You For The Venom
13. The Sharpest Lives

Other songs on my playlist include :

1. Over It - Katherins Mcphee
2. The Sweet Escape - Gwen Stefani Ft Akon
3. What I've Done - Linkin Park
4. Makes Me Wonder - Maroon 5
5. Round Here - Counting Crows
6. Free Loop - Daniel Powter
7. Once Again - Frankie Jordan
8. Wherever You Will Go - The Calling
9. Wild Horses - Tori Amos
10. 3Am - Matchbox 20

An Interview With An Empire

Tuesday’s coming.

I’m all jittery.

Like jelly on the Osim igallop.

I dislike interviews. It’s just like begging for something, just done sublimely. It’s akin to making a stranger trust your character in a matter of minutes. Frankly, I find it quite hard to sell myself to strangers just sitting across a wide table. They might as well be aliens on holiday.

I’m nice. Really.

You need to tell them positive aspects of your personality, your achievements and even your weaknesses. At the same time, you have to come across likable and sincere. It’s like asking me to stand naked in Taka Square peddling those stainless steel pots.

Rub that nauseating thought off your mammary memory.

Most people lie in interviews. I churn stories.

Ever think about what goes on in the interviewers’ mind during the interviews? What are they really thinking about once you walk through the door? They sit there, watching your every move, eying you like a lab rat in a those little plastic boxes.

Hmm…. Fresh blood….

They give you the once over.
You stretch your lips to form a tense, lame excuse of a smile.
They offer their hand for a shake.
Then invite you to sit down.
And you start praying their blardy 8 characters click damn, damn well with yours.

You carefully rest on your thighs, trying to look as defenseless open as possible.
You feel the beads of sweat gather into large wads then merge to form rivers.
And you wish for armpits to stay dry.

Begone stains! NO! NOT TODAY! BEGONE!!

Else you had better just die and be forever christened ‘the person who died’, rather that then ‘that one with the wet pits’.

Wah lao.

Tell me about yourself…
sell yourself, make me like you

What are your strengths and weaknesses?
you stupid enough to dig a hole…?! Or can you think on your feet and turn this trap around?

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
How driven are you?

How are you an asset to the company?
What can we expect to fleece off you?

Normally, I rate how well the interview is going by the amount of eye contact, and read a relaxed or forward leaning posture as ideal. Another optimistic sign is the flow of communication. Engaging in conversation is much better then one-way Q&A. Often, I try to make and maintain a healthy amount of eye contact to acknowledge their presence. On and off scribbles when you’re emphasizing key areas of strengths is also another good sign.

The main thing in my mind is remembering why the hell I was willing to put myself through such scrutiny in the first place, bite my tongue and grin and bear it. That and whisper prayers so I don’t crash and burn.

Just smile and wave boys. Smile and wave….

I need to psyche myself up with positive energy. Karma chameleon.

Sharon’s always great at interviews. She has the gift of ticking chins and can make you believe she can turn water into wine. She possesses something special =)

Then again, that woman can make anyone give up their liver if she really wanted to.

My appointment’s in the late afternoon. Hopefully, a heavy meal will shunt most of the blood away from the brain and towards the GI (gastrointestinal) system, rendering the interviewers relaxed and content. Either that or houseman canteen should serve them pot that day.

Lotsa, lotsa pot.

And I hope all they see is Jimmy Hendericks and psychedelic swirls of happy, happy, happy colors.

Your Eyes, They Tell A Story

I decided to visit my teachers in school some days back. Calling a few friends along, we all made our way down to campus, dizzy with anticipation of both catching up with the teachers who made a difference in our lives and the peers who will be vividly remembered.

My transgender friend, D joined in. She too, excited to revisit old times and reminisce about days gone by. As usual, our glam princess kept us waiting for her distinguished arrival. But, yes, she wasn't the only culprit. There were many others that kept different time zones.

Reset your watches people…

Still, I must admit, that it was pretty good reliving old times. We hugged every teacher we met. We talked, and joked. We conversed about an array of subjects, from blogs to bitches.

From past to present.

Some teachers were more receptive to D's change. Tactfully, they asked what she preferred to be called, and how her life was in general. Sadly, reality also brings people who are steadfast in their principles and choose not to accept certain happenings.

One teacher said that D's change was 'rubbish' and insisted on calling her by her former name. I swear I could see the tears start to well up in D's large, expressive eyes.

Am I angry at my teacher?

Well, yes, to a certain extent. I was angry at her lack of sensitivity in handling the situation. But then again, everyone is entitled to their own opinions. Just as D has the right to her transformation, that teacher has the right to not accept it.

Your way is never the only way.

We can never expect everyone to live the way we want them to. They have to recognize their choices come with consequences. And not all consequences end up with fairytale endings.

I spent a little 'alone time' with D after the reunion, and encouraged her to share her feelings over the matter. Visibly upset, she poured out her grievances, stating that this type of shit perpetuates her life in almost every aspect.

I get this all the time Cheryl. Why must it always be me?

Truthfully, she creates a mini storm wherever she goes, attracting stares and gasps from curious onlookers. And seriously, it's hard to ignore her. She possesses a lanky body, always dressed to the nines in her colorful dresses and immaculate makeup.

The females eye her, trying to register how she pulls her look together, and the men, I don't know what the hell they want.

From my perspective, the people on their own, are quite content on just doing a double take. It's the people in groups that brew this innate need to ridicule and shout sarcastic comments with their falsified sense of 'courage'.

'look at the bapok'

I say – FUCK YOU.

Why don't you go take a good look at yourself?!

You want a piece of me?!
I'll give you something to look at!

It hurts my friend. And my friend has feelings. I simply can't help feeling defensive.

Then again, I also went through this phase too, didn't I?
If you can't accept it, walk away.

There is no justification for such atrocious behavior.

D went through a lot to get to where she is now. She handles discrimination every single day of her life – it's an indescribable torture. She's not allowed to change to her female clothes near her workplace. She has to undergo mandatory blood tests on a regular basis, as though she is some kind of perverse whore.

She endures and takes all the crap in stride. She dried her tears a long time ago. Like every one else, she's just trying to live her life the best way she knows how.

She supports her parents.
She supports herself.

She works as hard as she can.
She's there for her friends.

And how proud I am for her.

Are you even half as good as her?

I believe civilized people in today's society, don't go around pointing and bitching about physically or intellectually disabled people anymore right? We should extend this to every other person. I certainly hope we've grown from dark times. Or at the very least, be a little more discreet.

I can only hope they can learn as I have.

When you say that looks don’t matter : Prove it.

CLOSURE

I've been in nursing for a grand total of 6 years. And what a wonderful ride it has been. Coloring my life with vibrant hues of friendship, quirky characters and adventures some may never get the opportunity to experience.

Each chapter brings forth surges of ambivalence that is really hard to describe.

Mould my destiny Lord.

I completed my PRCP in one piece. I survived the workplace politics, the irritable patients, the endless paperwork, the mind boggling array of tubes, the smells and the bedpans. And I've moved on from the people that have made a difference in my life, the smiles, the hand holding, the tears.

My absence will be short and sweet.

The most important lesson I'm holding on to, can be summed up in :
LIVE ONCE. LIVE WELL. LIVE STRONG.

I'm grateful to have stumbled into nursing. For it showed me death, so I could learn to appreciate life. I call it one of life's little ironies.

I've witnessed how some can cling on to their last breath.
I've seen those crippled with disease.
I've watched miracles happen.
And I've realized how fragile and unexpected life can be.

I'd rather live a life that's worth living.

For now, I'm fueling a passion, with utmost conviction and I've promised myself to not get jaded. I know where I want to go and the type of person I want to be. If wrong turns in life helped led me to this revelation, then I must admit, it's been bloody worth it.

I thank all the people who have crossed paths in my life's journey.

i'm carrying all the memories in my pocket, to accompany me down more roads.