Cherlosophy’s Playlist

1. Umbrella – Marie Digby
2. Way Back Into Love – Hayley Bennet Ft Hugh Grant
3. Always Be My Baby – David Cook
4. Love Song – Sarah Bareilles
5. Raindrops On My Guitar – Taylor Swift
6. Sorry – Buck Cherry
7. With You – Chris Brown
8. Waiting On the World – John Mayer
9. One – U2
10. Nessun Dorma – Paul Potts
11. I Loved You – Sarah Brightman
12. It’s Not Over - Daughtry
13. Who Said – Miley Cyrus
14. Innocent – David Cook
15. Day Tripper – David Cook
16. The Trooper – Children Of Bodom
17. Fear Of The Dark – Iron Maiden
18. Wasted Years – Iced Earth
19. Shhhh – Saosin
20. Gimme Gimme - Britney Spears

Innocent - David Cook

Oh, Johnny wishes he was famous
Spends his time alone in the basement
With Lennon and Cobain and a guitar and a stereo
And while he wishes he could escape this
But it all seems so contagious
Not to be yourself and faceless
In a song that has no soul

I remember feeling low
And I remember losing hope
And I remember all the feelings
And the day they stopped

We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent, we are, we are
We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent, we are, we are

Oh, and Gina's losing faith in what she knows
Hates her music, hates all of her clothes
Thinks of surgery and a new nose; every calorie's a war
And while she wishes she was a dancer
And that she never heard of cancer
She wishes God would give her some answers
And make her feel beautiful

I remember feeling low
And I remember losing hope
And I remember all the feelings
And the day they stopped

We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent, we are, we are
We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent, we are, we are

One day, you'll have to let it go
You'll have to let it go, no
One day, you'll stand up on your own
You'll stand up on your own, yeah
Remember losing hope
Remember feeling low
Remember all the feelings and the day they stopped

We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent, we are, we are
We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent, we are, we are

One day
(We are, we are all innocent)
You'll have to let it go
(We are all innocent)
You'll have to let it go, no
(We are, we are)
One day
(We are, we are all innocent)
You'll stand up on your own
(We are all innocent)
You'll stand up on your own, yeah
(We are, we are)

We are, we are all innocent

Time To Say Goodbye

To say I’m a little traumatized would be such an understatement.

People who leave me are often brutually yanked away.

After my last entry, my DIL (dangerously ill list) patient collapsed. Sadly, my friend didn’t survive. I seek solace only in the fact that he was able to spend his last breaths comforted by his mother and a selfless wife whom stood by him through it all.

Cheryl, J’s not good

I’ll call the doctor

(SpO2 : 80% and falling)

You wait here.. I’ll take his parameters.

Is he dead?

(BP unreadable)

Fats, get the E trolley, hook up the cardiac leads. 100%Face Mask please..!

(His wife touches my arm, I can almost feel her pain travel into me)

Don’t resuscitate him. Let him go.

(Our eyes lock) You sure?

His mother panics

J’s gone..!

(asystole)

I stood there as the alarms sounded and the room started to spin, waiting only to print evidence of his retired heart.

His wife shared quite a chunk of her own life with me during J's final days. We talked about our love to roam the world. Of how she fell in love with Paris and trekked across America, then up through Canada, of Europe and the Middle East. Of how she lived on bread and instant noodles dredged across the globe so those eyes could be continued to be filled with the amazement of an unknown land.

Her eyes twinkled as she told me how she yearned to bring her daughter to Disneyland; her hands slapping my thigh as she recalled her adventures with fond excitement.

We sat there, two former strangers with paths suddenly crossed. In the dark room, illuminated only by the soft glow of flickering lights given off the machinery dotting her husband's little room. She carefully imparted her experience, so that maybe, one day, I too, could walk the same path.

I tell you Cheryl, they were wonderful times.
I hope you can see all that I have.

We talked about matters that didn’t concern what was confined within the four hospital walls and reminisced about a life that could never be rewound.

A detached reality that we were just more then happy to embrace.

You peranakan?

Yeah.. How did you guess?

Can see lah

My grandma only wore her Kebaya, and she was so anal about making her rempah from scratch

As the days stretched into weeks, I watched J deteriorate right before my eyes. I watched him sink into depression as the reality of the severity of his illness sunk in. I watched the drama that often erupted outside his room. I watched.

But maybe these open eyes would have rather been closed.

J used to ask me what was my ambition in life. Every night, we would repeat the same topic and without hesitation, I would eagerly reply, “to be rich of course!” I knew it irked him to bits. Thus, he would begin to lecture me on how money was not omnipotent. Obviously, I knew it wasn’t. But then again, I often say things I don’t mean just to illicit an emotion or incite a reaction.

It’s was just my way of keeping the conversation rolling.

I packed him as the tears rolled uncontrollably. Refusing to allow the tears to escape in front of his wife, remembering she shoulders a burden far greater than mine.

I kept my right to mourn in private.

My heart goes out to the young children he left behind. A widow and a orphans in the blink of an eye. Perhaps he’s setting her free. Free to return to her roots and find herself again.

Perhaps.

As these tears continue to flow, I remember, God only allows what He knows you can bear.

****************

I wish you every peace in your journey J.
And I’ll be praying for you and your family.

The flesh may decay, but memories, they live on forever.

"God loves dada very much,

so He wants to take him to live in Heaven"

(J's wife to her child)

Rest in peace.

Sssshhhhhh.........

I’m at work, doing my final night in this current cycle. Can you actually believe I have a grand total of 3 patients tonight?! Yes folks, you’ve heard (or rather read) me right. 3 patients. So that would explain why I can blog at work. Wahahahaaaa… bite me.

Compared to the average of 10-14 patients, this few days have been a blissful time to catch a breather. Though some staff have taken the liberty to continue their MC drama, I’m not very bothered.

Only 3 blardy patients.

All the better for me. I’m partnered with Fats tonight. She’s broadcasting her sexploitations, while I’m trying to dredge up some information from the darkest recesses of my mind as I prepare to help Sophia with her schoolwork tomorrow.

I’m begging that God shuts the 115KG FM porn radio station off. Permanently. I’m quite sick of contaminating my already very corrupt mind with more mindless matter. And this type of porn imagery gets even sicker when it comes from someone who does not, in the least minute detail, resemble a super model or celebrity. Not even the nostril hair(s).

I’m not interested in being educated on how or who you roll in bed with.

God help me.

I’m really, really close to jabbing this pair of chopsticks in my ear.

Like many others, there are material comforts I wish to possess. Anything from designer bags to paper qualifications, essential towards elevating my standard of living.

Perhaps it is precisely because I have been brainwashed to covet such items, that I have been called upon to enter nursing.

Often surrounded by the sick and dying, I’ve come to realize that in life, nothing much matters. No Balenciaga will erase cancer, just like no PhD can revive the dead. Life’s as simple as that. Yet, more then likely, we can find ourselves sucked into this invisible vortex of materialism. Food can’t be simply filling. It has to taste good, packaged nicely and preferably organic. Everything deviates from simplicity, ending up as a complex web of wants instead of needs.

I believe there is no shame in acquiring anything through hard work. A little luxury drives the person to strive even harder. The shame lies in parading the wealth attained so blatantly. There is a marked difference with working hard and rewarding yourself and showing off to the point of ridicule.

1k for a bag? Come on.. At the end of the day, it’s just a bag. Not a kidney.

I just hope everyone can remember; there are far too many 15k Hermes Birkins in this world. Maybe it’s time to put the money to good use and help feed someone else. Who knows? Perhaps then we can say goodbye to poverty and hello to humanity.

It’s a good dream.

Back At One

I’ve been thrown off tangent recently. Perhaps largely due to my own inability to concentrate and take stock of my life. I know where I ultimately like to end up at, but am unsure of how or where to start. There’s a gathering of what-ifs at the moment. It’s a moment I hope that will pass swiftly.

I’ve actually been trying to write again for the longest time.

In agony over a skull crammed with words unable to escape. Too distracted by petty happenings, TV, the net, amongst other drama, that have been popping in and out of my all-too-speckled life.

Life’s a blur of twists and turns.
An army of information to plough through.
A flurry of action and a slew of new faces to absorb.

Ala 1000 episode korean-hindi-taiwan-hk drama series.
Mental orgasm inducing, specky, smooth skinned men not included.

Mundane, you come back here!

I have faith I will find a way.
I’m after all, more resilient than I credit myself.

So here’s to me, embracing the words that pose such a struggle to pour forth.