A person, whom i held in such lofty esteem, was suddenly shattered to such meager-ness. Like a roman figure made of stone and placed on a pedestal, it came a crumbling. I don't think i can name this person, as there are people out there that actually read my blog.
Yes, that in itself is a nauseating thought. Haha.
This person - let's call him Mr X, asked me the most sensitive of questions. How much i earned, whether i had a boyfriend, when will i get married, whether i planned to have children etc. And yes, that forever-hovering question = how old i am.
Does my age, or rather, calculation of the time i have spent on earth, really define the person i am?
These questions may seem acceptable between close friends, between a parent to a child or even a teacher to her protege. However, this questions were posted to me by an aquaintance. An aquaintance i barely see on a pseudo-regular basis. An aquaintance i know nuts about.
Someone, whom i'd rather have stayed a figment of my hyperactive imagination.
He shared with me some personal insights on the type of life he was striving for. A life maintained by monetary gains and material wealth. At no point did he ever mention he wanted happiness. No family life. No wanting to return to society.
I admire his drive and thank him for his advice, but there was a nagging voice that queried his motives.
"What good is all the wealth in the world when a man loses his soul?"
In an instant, the gilded image i had of him, the halo around his head, the cherubic smile he lazily wears, all seemed to shatter. Into complete oblivion. And the cold jokes, the complex words he uses, the fact that he needs to eat, came to me like a flood.
Fara summed it up all in 1 sentence, "How human is he after all".
I chose the coward's way, obliging politely, answering the questions he posed. It's hard for me not to engage in it all, for the simple fact that there was only the both of us.
Let me explain a little. I'm not ashamed of my age.
Ross says, "age reminds you of the days that God has blessed you with."
But i do feel inadequate when it's brought up by people that are just about a decade younger. There's an invisible benchmark that you're expected to cross by a certain age. Achievements to have safely under your belt. Especially when in an Asian context, where the number game becomes all the more emphasized.
Frankly, it's hard to return to school at my age. Trying to absorb at best i can. Having to juggle my family, part-time work and studies all at the same time. People expect me to know more simply because i am an enrolled nurse. This i call bullshit. ITE trained me to become an enrolled nurse, not a registered nurse.
Sure, i had an advantage in the 1st year. But it sure as hell tapers off as the semesters pass. Not many see the background hard work i put in. The sleepless nights. The stress i face. The smoking marathons while prepping for exams. The fear of non-performance.
There's a lot of catching up to do. Truckloads of expectations to fulfill. Responsibilities to uphold. And at the same time, a dream yet to be realized.
Although i would love to live a fancy life, peppered with cushy material comforts, i'm choosing to stay grounded and live within my means. Carrying the fuzzy burden of chasing time lost, and trying to stamp a positive impact on the people that cross my path. Memories of me, that i hope will live beyond my human years on earth. Lessons that can be learnt a little easier.
There is beauty in simplicity.
Ross puts its simply, in his usual metaphoric way,
"no matter how beautiful a rainbow may seem, at the end of it, lies nothingness. but a man who stays true to who he is, shines like a star."
and i'm trying to be that star
