Anger is the only thing you'll never rid yourself of, even if you lose it.

Thus far, anger is an emotion i have tried very hard to curb. A habit that's hard to break. And the week has been filled with much drama.

Too much.

Seriously so.

And when mixed with lethal doses of a nagging deadline, the stress of assesssments, failure, smart-ass comments, relentless long days at school and a lack of sleep... it blows even the minor situations into one of unparalleled holocast.

For one, i'm not particularly proud of the way that i handled the group work with Fad. I had blurted straight up that she had to get down on her hands and knees and take an active stance with the group. Afterall, we only had one and a half freaking days to prepare for the damned presentation. And i've realized that spitting (though not literally) at her in front of everyone else is simply not acceptable.

The only salvaging point is that : she did manage to see the light and come through.

A little.

But more needs to be done. And my groupies did do wonders for the presentation. Even though our work was blatantly discriminated against. I'm apologetic towards my group mates - because it's largely because of the vandetta the Black Witch harbours towards me.

Number two - I screamed the daylights out of myself (until i was dizzy with the lack of oxygen feeding my brain) to the woman who was manhandling her young child in public. Pointing and hurling threats at her to make her stop.

She didn't. Even as she climbed into the back of the cab, pulling a large wad her little girl's hair.

In retropect, i had instead, just mimicked her atrocious behaviour.

Violence begets violence.

What i should have done was to run up and speak to her calmly and hopefully, instill the virtue that things could be done in a different way.

In a manner of civilized calmness.

I'm aware of the pressures a parent faces - i should know, purely because i can reflect on how i used to treat my Dad. And how irritating children can be - same reflection, i was so damn out of hand. But shaking your child, pulling her hair and pushing her into the backseat of a vehicle is simply - damn blardy unacceptable.

There is a difference between discipline and abuse.

But before i bury my face in my hands in self pity. I will not find any excuse for regrets. Simply because i have learnt my lesson in all these.

And having witnessed the drama of battered egos of unreciprocated love, the foul moods of the hungry (yes, i'm mentioning you clearly here) and the continued torments of Lionel (who happened to turn '41' this year! Happy Birthday dude), remembering the young teen who was beaten up at the staircase by a gang a few months ago, among others...

It highlights on the ill effects of letting your emotions get the better of you.

There's a lesson to be learnt here i tell you. An a very valuable one.

I'm reliving the methods i used to manage my anger. Digging out my old cross stitch needles and thread, and engaging in repetitive distraction. Jewelry making. Reading. Blogging even.

All with a good cup of thick, sinfully rich, iced cold milo.

Though i admit there have been highlights to my week - i'm lucky enough to experience Ms Tan Chin Hong's care for her students, my supportive classmates, Joey being in a fab mood and such a gentleman (hohoho), a good week for Sharon Lee after her own mini series of drama, and my family - who's always and forever there.

It's time to allow the storm to pass through and settle into calmness again.

I failed my assessment yesterday. I thought i would cry (knowing my drama self) but i didn't. Normalcy prevails. In fact, after the bitter taste of failure, i found enough energy to go Bishan to window shop with Zul and Fara, then head onto another round of debates.

Life goes on.

The world continues it's orbit around the sun.

Nothing is knocked out of place.

I'll just have to work harder.

Lionel writes in his blog that "the tables have changed" and how many of the so-called smart ones have come to face failure. He predicts that success is upon him. Maybe he peered into a magic crystal ball. With all the knowledge and the chance to experience life, he has blatantly failed to exercise restraint on gloating over others' misfortunes.

However, i am not angry. Disappointed that he chose this subject to poke at, but not angry. Frankly, it's not really worth the bother. At the very least, my nipples are well hidden. Unlike his. Now that's NEWS.

More importantly for now, i need to pass my re-test.

My interest in debate seems to be wavering. OK, more like wilting.

Though re-learning history has helped me to expand my horizons allowing me to better analyze situations; Debate has also showed me how plastic people can be. Whilst one can seem pretty normal in a normal environment, one can or may also morph into a totally different character during debate. It's a disease i call "Acute Debateritis".

Bathed in the battles of tension, i find myself looking at debaters in an unflattering light.

Why isn't there a clear segregation between right and wrong?
Why do people slang during speeches?
Why do people contort into such evil leeches in a competition?
Why do people exercise no form of comradery?

And why do i feel increasingly disappointed?

Where does this root of disappointment stem from?

Perhaps the veil of denial can no longer hold through. And there leaves little but the wind to lift away the facade and see these people for who and what they are.

And if you ever catch me turning into something like those factory churned debaters, Far, pls.. pls kill me.

My week has past with an unusual taper towards relationships between people, and with it, the courage (or perhaps the lack off) to react in a certain manner.

In an unthinkable fashion, i had shot off my thoughts to friends regarding my view on the abovementioned sentiment. The seed had been sown, but the yield was beyond what i could have ever expected.

1. Some people automatically assume that just becuase they like someone, the other party has to like them back. I cannot but highlight the absurdity in this premise.

Firstly, let me point out that we are not living in a storybook utopia. This is reality. Who ever said that anyone would be deemed as the ultimate Mr/Ms Popular? Liking, or maybe having a soft spot for someone doesn't translate into the other party being obligated to return the emotion. Sadly, for some reason, the other party may already have a special someone wedged into her/his heart.

An irreplaceable foothold?

A case of clashing times? Or you're just ain't her/his type?

I know of this person, who expects his relationships to be perfect. And even though he has experienced failure time after time, refuses to come to the understanding that relationships will never be that way.

For the simple logic that there is an absence of perfection in humanity.

And when faced with repeated rejection, suddenly mutates into such an uncivilized sorry state, he has to resort to immature tactics to get back at the object of his now-soured desire. Anything to vent his bruised, sorry excuse for an ego.

My question is : does it require such drastic lengths? Especially when the world is kind of small and the opportunities of bumping into each other is frequent.

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2. To select a cowardly stance and sink into the fear of rejection, even before anything has been said or done, is also completely far too difficult for me to comprehend.

You see, i have a friend who has conjured enough courage to proclaim his feelings online, but chose to leave out the name of the person whom he's trying to tell, everything except the hint of a 'princess'. Leaving the reader to read between the lines.

I call it selective editing.

You see, i shared my personal views to these 2 friends of mine, though I can't say that i'm impressed by the outcome of it all.

Let me reiterate my stance on the subject. Courage.

cour·age (kûrj, kr-) noun
The state or quality of mind or spirit that enables one to face danger, fear, or vicissitudes with self-possession, confidence, and resolution; bravery.

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/courage

The courage to express what you really feel.

The courage to face rejection.

And the courage to move on.

What is life when one lacks the courage to walk through the process of learning? Translating into simply, time shamelessly wasted. And to live with a lifetime wondering about the wasted chances?

The what-could-have-beens. The what-ifs. Closing off avenues of any possibilities.

Endless possibilities.

And though i am fully aware of the consequences that may follow the course of my actions, it is afterall, my own. My singular interpretation of the matter. And my life is not theirs.

-< Courage >-

the courage to see life as it really is .........

and face the reality that follows

Note:

This entry echoes my personal outlook on matters. Readers are advised to apply discretion.

I love my friends. Even though i may always agree with them